File under I Need Feminism Because…..Twin Peaks and Bosses

My husband is at a business dinner at Twin Peaks. And that's a bunch of bullshit.

My husband is at a business dinner at Twin Peaks. And that’s a bunch of bullshit.

I need feminism because…My husband is at dinner with his boss and his boss’s boss at a restaurant where the waitresses dress like this. The name and logo of this fine establishment are a play off women’s breasts. The company’s website  invites you to “come enjoy the views.” 

Should my husband have declined the invite? Well, do you decline dinner with the boss’s boss even if the restaurant of choice is exploitative and sexist? How do you walk away from the group? Could that decision impact your career? How big is the strength of your convictions?
I am quite sure my husband is aware when he gets home he is a dead man walking.**
 
Now imagine you are a new, young female hire of my husband’s employer and you are excited you were invited to dinner with the corner office. You are excited to talk about clients you want to bring in and show off your expertise on a particular product line. Maybe drop a mention of a conference you want to attend and how you could build business there. And then you arrive at dinner. At this place.
How big do you feel now? How are you sure the boss’s boss isn’t just staring at your tits and thinking about f*cking you while you talk about profit growth and project acquisitions? How likely are you to feel respected at work tomorrow? How do you maintain respect your bosses knowing they chose this place because it is as close as they could get to expensing a jaunt to the strip club? And you know they all have wives and children waiting for them at home.
Is my husband in trouble with me? Well I tell you what, my ten-year-old daughter just asked where her daddy is as this is our normal dinner time. So I’ll tell her.
 
And when he walks through the door I’ll watch her eat him alive. I’ve found it is far easier to justify sexism to your wife than it is to the fuming, disappointed face of your daughter. Somehow the rationale withers away when you have to spell it out for a person who still holds faith this isn’t how the world is supposed to work.
She’s watching me type this, looking over my shoulder. You should see the look on her face, the moment she saw the photo of the waitresses. She asked if the women in the photograph were strippers. She is hurt and confused.
And she is angry.”It makes me sad. I feel badly for the women, they should have undershirts on and not booty shorts. You mean they have to wear that to work? If I worked there as a waitress I would quit. If I worked at Daddy’s office, I wouldn’t feel valued or respected. Honestly? I think that is b.s.”

I asked my son what he would do if he were part of the dinner group. He replied, “When I got there I would not go in. It wouldn’t feel right.”

Should have husband have said no? Should they have picked a different restaurant? I’ll ask you again, how big is the strength of your convictions?

 **I felt the need to add this edit because I after reading many of the comments it seemed the point of this post was missed. This post is more about shaming the business practice and the sexism in the workplace than it was personally shaming my husband. He was in a hard spot, one I point out in the post, and really there was no winning for him. He didn’t really have any good choices here, but he did know ahead of time our family’s opinion of these places. That was clear by the strong reaction my daughter had. Intelligent, outspoken girls with strong opinions are not “weapons”.
Either way, while this specific situation involved my husband, how many fathers/husbands/brothers are party to a sexist workplace – whether their participation is voluntary or not? This situation could happen to any guy at work – the post was to ask people what the strength of their convictions was because at some point it will be put to the test, and to consider how frequently women have to deal with this in the workplace.**

Melissa headshot 1 fb sizeMelissa Atkins Wardy is a speaker, media consultant, and the author ofRedefining Girly: How Parents Can Fight the Stereotyping and Sexualizing of Girlhood, from Birth to Tween. She is the creator and owner of Pigtail Pals & Ballcap Buddies, a company that has been offering empowering apparel and gifts to Full of Awesome kids since 2009 www.pigtailpals.com.

Find her at www.melissaatkinswardy.com. You can connect with her onFacebook (Pigtail Pals Ballcap Buddies) and Twitter (@PigtailPals) and Pinterest (Pigtail Pals & Ballcap Buddies).

Comments

  1. Samantha says:

    Would you be open to a guest post? As a young writer and feminist I’ve been looking for opportunities to perfect my craft and involve myself with more political issues I feel strongly about.

    • Samantha,
      I am open to guest posts, but I don’t post on political issues outside of the intersection of feminism and childhood. You are welcome to pitch me something related to feminist parenting, children’s media, and gender/racial stereotypes impacting childhood. I wish you luck with your writing!

  2. Laurie Miles says:

    Very interesting. I do think that if your husband was still in WI, he would have suggested somewhere else. Being at a new job in Texas changes the game in my mind. I would expect that tomorrow he suggests that next time they go somewhere different and tell the boss why. There are plenty of nice places to go and the “good old boy” club is archaic. I have a hunch your husband is very uncomfortable where he is and won’t do it again. And I’m saying that before his children speak to him about their disappointment.

  3. Great post. I’ve been taken to “breastaurants” by bosses and coworkers in the past, and ended up using my preferred weapon against sexism–brutal, hilarious sarcasm–against them for weeks afterward because of it. I’d prefer that they got the “fuming, disappointed face” of their daughter instead, because there’d be a better chance of it actually changing their hearts.

  4. Danielle says:

    Tough spot. It is naive to think that we feminists are yet the majority. It is naive to think that even if we ran the government and made the laws that hooters and the like would ever disappear. I’ve been blessed with a big rack, and a pretty sharp brain, but not a thin waist or a wealthy upbringing. As feminists we should afford the women who work at these places the same respect for their choices as we want for ours, right? Even when the clothing is not as revealing of skin but still revealing of their bodies and the name is not a woman’s body part it’s just as wrong. I’m sure in regards to the old boys club there are other ways to get in with the boss. I’ve got to stop myself here. About to say something awful.

    • Danielle, I applaud your response! Yes, the girls who work there don’t have to, and deserve respect for their choices. They make more money there than working at Denny’s. I am 54, and the girls who work at these places are girls (compared to me lol). I don’t go to such places for the view. My wife has always loved Hooters wings. She introduced me. I have never been to Twin Peaks. I admire a woman’s body as much as the next man. I admire some women as people more than others. I prefer my daughter never work at such a place. Life is Life. I try not to judge.

  5. So much is wrong with this. Should your husband have declined? In an ideal world yes, but life is more nuanced than that. Should whoever chose the restaurant have done so? Absolutely not. Should the owner have misappropriated the name of the ground breaking TV show for their own sexist agenda? Nope.

  6. Please do a follow-up for this. I’ve got to know what happened.

  7. It sucks. Unless you have an alternate way to support the family, cut your hubster some slack. He didn’t pick the restaurant, and smart guys pick their battles. Karma will get the big boss. Condolences on the whole TX thing. You’ll run into way more Neanderthals than any woman should have to if you stay there. The boss is the norm there, not enlightened guys like the one you married.

  8. John Jamerson says:

    wow you’re a bit on the stupid side aren’t you? the picture is most likely models. the wait staff never looks that well made up. it’s a restaurant with a hook. it’s just dinner. i’d have no problem eating at a male themed restaurant just as my wife has no problem eating here. tilted kilt is better food though

    • Gabrielle says:

      Way to be insulting. It doesn’t matter if those are models. The point is that the theme of the restaurant is female objectification, and many of us females object to that.

      • John Jamerson says:

        not any more than you tone of the article. the theme of the restaurant is a hook. it’s jsut a place to get food. every restaurant has something to make them stand out. as for the women, if they realize they can make some additional money with their bodies while they still can, so what? their lives their choices. who are you to fault someone for using whatever they have to get ahead and not hurt anyone else in the process? you don’t like it fine. don’t bad mouth the women who want to work there

        • Surani Joshua says:

          I carefully read through the entire article again and never saw even one sentence that bad-mouthed the women that worked there. Feel free to point it out if you are actually referring to something.

          As for the rest of your comment: “I’d have no problem eating at a male themed restaurant” – Nicely put John! This IS a female-themed restaurant (“female-themed” being their hook) and that is our point: human beings aren’t themes. Thanks for making Melissa’s point even better than she did. 🙂

        • Danielle says:

          Last I checked, no one “badmouthed the women who want to work there.”

        • You seem to have a problem with basic comprehension because she doesn’t fault the women working there. Her criticism is reserved for her husband’s boss for choosing such an establishment for a work dinner. It isn’t an appropriate setting.

      • A. Snow says:

        I agree with John here. Feminism includes supporting women who choose to work in boobies bars & restraunts. I also prefer Tilted Kilt and think the waitresses are bright, intelligent women. At the Tilted Kilt, even the male barbacks/waiters wear kilts. Its all about how you choose to interact with people.

    • The fact you think it’s about how attractive the models/wait staff look shows you’re a bit on the stupid side. Yeah it’s a restaurant with a hook – objectifying women.

      • So don’t go there, Simon. The fault here lies with the boss for picking an establishment that is arguably unsuitable for business and that some people might object to. That isn’t the fault of the establishment. Just because some segment of society views this place as sexist and exploitive doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong with it. If it’s not your bag, bring your business elsewhere. Obviously, the women who work there don’t seem to have a problem with it, nor do the customers.

      • Jonathan says:

        I think what John is trying to say is that feminism is a two-way street. The women choose to work there and many enjoy it. You can’t criticize a woman’s choice to work there and make money AND promote feminism. If every woman thought the same way as you do, then places like Twin Peaks would go out of business, because no one would work there.

        The fact of the matter is that not all women think the same way you do.

  9. This is a bad situation for a family, but I’m pretty sure you made it worse…..using your ten year old daughter as a corrective weapon against your husband when you’re angry is really destructive – for her and for him. He shouldn’t have gone to dinner there, but now he’s hurt, your daughter is hurt, and you’re obviously hurt. There had to be a better approach, right?

    • Drew,
      I did not use my daughter as a “corrective weapon”. She saw the website of the restaurant he was at, and she was able to articulate her feelings for herself. She knew it was wrong, she didn’t need to be told or coached.

      • Sarah Wyatt says:

        I respect your right to your feelings, however the situation you described seems incomplete.

        Your story starts with your husband at dinner for work, and you are left home with your daughter angry and needing to write about it. Your posit is that your daughters participation is a given, that your husband has weak convictions and as such he is to be punished by her disappointment, and you have no participation in this. It is simply brought about by the inertia of the situation. He is at fault and perpetuating this by not speaking up.

        In all candor, you and your husband are adults and your choices will always lead you down the path of your own design.

        However, if your husband were going to a fine dining restaurant and there was no inappropriate environment to rage about. Would you have shown your daughter the website for that restaurant?

        Let us be clear. You are an author. One who has published works about empowerment and combating gender prejudice and gender bias. This is laudable and I wish more had your conviction.

        Now you have a husband put in a despicable situation. Knowing who you are, and what his attendance at a restaurant whose sole purpose is for people to eat and women to be objectified will mean. This is a sad tale.

        You will obviously use this as a spring board to model to your daughter your values. In addition to expressing your outrage and disappointment through her.

        I respect your feelings. I agree he should have said somthing. The right answer is not always comfortable or easy.

        To say your daughter is not a course correction for your husband is either naive or disingenuous. She is not just a life you foster and cherish. She reflects back to you and your husband who you are and the best of what you could be.

        Go back. Pause. Look at this as more than a convenient rant to espouse your views. Tell the entire story.

        It will do far more good than just the outrage of one mother, the disappointment of one daughter and the heartbreak of one father.

        • Sarah,
          Thanks for your thoughts. I never said my husband has weak convictions, I said he was put in a terrible spot. At the end of the post I ask people to think about how strong their convictions are, because in this situation happens all the time in business. This particular night it happened to my husband. Tomorrow night it will be someone else’s husband.

          I felt the need to write about this not because I was “left home and angry”, I wrote about this because I am tired of the rampant sexism in business and politics. And really all facets of life. I was angry my husband was in this situation, and that it seemed totally acceptable to put him there.

          I also never implied I had no role in this, I said I didn’t need to get in a fight with my husband about this because I could see how hurt and angry Amelia was. I knew she was going to let him have it. She had a right to be angry, he has the responsibility to own up to participating in sexism. He’d have a hard enough time explaining it to her, there would be no need for me to pour salt in that wound to make my point.

          Yes, had he been dining at a fine restaurant I had not been to before I would have also looked up the menu online like I did for Twin Peaks. And yes, I would still have shown the website to my daughter if she had asked.

          This post is more about shaming the business practice and the sexism in the workplace than it is personally shaming my husband.

      • But she has been told and coached …. by you! How did she “see” the website? Did she stumble upon it? I think you made it a topic for disapproval. You are teaching your daughter how to interact with her future mate/spouse. There is a fine line between demanding respect and controlling. I’ve been married 31 years. No one is perfect.

        • Rick,
          Correct, she has been coached by me to use media literacy, critical thinking, and feminism. When her father came home she observed us ribbing him a bit and letting him know what we thought of the choice of restaurant, but still offering him unconditional love and respect. We had a discussion that offered two different opinions, but it wasn’t a fight or screaming match. Yes, what truly terrible lessons for my children to learn.

      • Nah you made a conscious choice to include your daughter in YOUR fight! You could’ve easily told your children dad was out at a business dinner without specifics. by including your daughter it makes it feel like you wanted the support in your argument, you wanted a way to make your husband feel bad and that’s terrible. What’s worse is you used your child as a pawn. I know you’re going to argue “she said these things on her own she doesn’t need me coaching her.” I say well of course not, at that age they’re basically parrots! They don’t understand the subtleties of life, the compromises in our beliefs we all make everyday just to get through. All kids know at that age is what their parents tell them.
        While I agree no one group should be objectified for the gain of another group, I just can’t get behind you for using your innocent child as a tool in your fight with your husband.

      • The way you interact with your son there is “coaching”. You ask him what he’d do in that situation, and he gave the answer you want to hear. If he’d said “It’s not a big deal, I’d just go in and have dinner. Who cares about the servers, they all choose to work there. I don’t think it’s a big deal” would you have just moved on, or challenged his view?
        I imagine that isn’t the first time you’ve had interactions with your kids like that. Kids are pretty smart and learn the right answers. And maybe they are 100% truthful, maybe they aren’t, but it’s what you’ve taught them. Kids with a different mom may very easily give different answers to your questions.

      • Well… You kinda did use Your daughter as a corrective weapon. I see You have used the same argument (“I did nothing, I just showed her the restaurant her father is in and she did her conclusions herself”) Come on – You, I and most of people who have commented here all know that it was never that innocent. I mean You stated already in your story: “Is my husband in trouble with me? Well I tell you what, my ten-year-old daughter just asked where her daddy is as this is our normal dinner time. So I’ll tell her. And when he walks through the door I’ll watch her eat him alive… She is hurt and confused. And she is angry.”

        So… YOU DID knowingly and willingly let Your daughter know where her father is so she would be angry, hurt and dissapointed in him and when writing this story You were waiting what will happen next. Instead of showing discretion, just telling Your daughter that her father is on buisness dinner, adressing the problem (which really is a problem – I do not deny) to Your husband Yourself, settling this as a grown up and teaching Your children the values of respect in a manner more suitable for them.

        You did use Your daughter as a corrective weapon. And this – with all due respect – was a horrible thing to do. We all do mistakes and mistakes need to be adressed. But we owe our partners that we settle these things between us. Not using children hurting them in the process.

        The problem adressed in Your story (this kind of restaurants) is a serious one. Treating women like objects is really wrong and needs to be fought against. But the way You handled this really denigrates the message You are trying to send. I feel sorry for Your husband and Your daughter. Hopefully You will do better next time.

        • Herman,
          I allow my highly intelligent children to form their own thoughts and opinions. They are allowed to view media and think critically about it based on the foundation I have given them in feminism and basic human decency. When something offends them, they are allowed to give voice that offense.

      • Sarah Wyatt says:

        I respect your right to your feelings, however the situation you described seems incomplete.

        Your story starts with your husband at dinner for work, and you are left home with your daughter angry and needing to write about it. Your posit is that your daughters participation is a given, that your husband has weak convictions and as such he is to be punished by her disappointment, and you have no participation in this. It is simply brought about by the inertia of the situation. He is at fault and perpetuating this by not speaking up.

        In all candor, you and your husband are adults and your choices will always lead you down the path of your own design.

        However, if your husband were going to a fine dining restaurant and there was no inappropriate environment to rage about. Would you have shown your daughter the website for that restaurant?

        Let us be clear. You are an author. One who has published works about empowerment and combating gender prejudice and gender bias. This is laudable and I wish more had your conviction.

        Now you have a husband put in a despicable situation. Knowing who you are, and what his attendance at a restaurant whose sole purpose is for people to eat and women to be objectified will mean. This is a sad tale.

        You will obviously use this as a spring board to model to your daughter your values. In addition to expressing your outrage and disappointment through her.

        I respect your feelings. I agree he should have said somthing. The right answer is not always comfortable or easy.

        To say your daughter is not a course correction for your husband is either naive or disingenuous. She is not just a life you foster and cherish. She reflects back to you and your husband who you are and the best of what you could be.

        Go back. Pause. Look at this as more than a convenient rant to espouse your views. Tell the entire story.

        It will do far more good than just the outrage of one mother, the disappointment of one daughter and the heartbreak of one father.

      • You did use her as a corrective weapon though. You did not have to bring her into this at all, but you chose to. You should have left this between you and your husband. Who quite frankly sounds like he’s in a precarious position, and in my opinion, it’s not fair to be angry at him in the slightest; this was levels up and he may not have felt remotely comfortable–any more than a woman may have–trying to chastise his boss and boss’s boss for this choice. Although quite frankly, as a woman and a feminist myself, I actually would not be bother by this; to me it’s just a restaurant, and many of these ‘boobs and food’ establishments treat their staff very well and with loads of respect! And as long as the women involved are comfortable showing off their bodies and earning whatever extra tip comes from it, I say more power to them. Shaming your husband for a choice he didn’t make by using your child strikes me personally as an unfair and abusive tactic.

    • Anonymous WOMAN says:

      This was my first thought too. It was completely unnecessary to involve your daughter in the situation. ESPECIALLY because YOU hadn’t even had a chance to discuss it with YOUR husband first. Melissa, you absolutely did use your daughter as a “corrective weapon”. I am a feminist, and I feel that if the women working at those establishments want to work at those types of establishments, that is THEIR choice. How dare you look down your nose at them. Shame on you. You “slut shamed” every person working at one of those because of your own crusade. Feminism is about being seen as equal. Feminism is about choice. Don’t feel bad for women working in those places. They make great money, and many enjoy their job. Is that an appropriate place for a business dinner? I would have to agree with you there and say no. The bosses made a poor decision because they can’t have known how their employees may feel about that. There are plenty of places to go that aren’t “controversial”. However, you have some serious double standards going on in your article, as well as making poor decisions in how to handle the situation. Also, I have a sneaky feeling that you’re probably okay with hot firemen calendars, but not hot cheerleader ones.

  10. The author’s double standard is appalling. She has nothing but sympathy for the hypothetical female worker who is forced to walk into a business meeting in a place like that chosen by her bosses, but when her husband is victimized by the VERY SAME pressure by his bosses, she calls him a dead man.

    • Guest,
      I addressed his dilemma. I stated that I understood he didn’t have a huge amount of leverage or wiggle room. He was in trouble for going through with it anyway. The right decisions are not always the easiest ones.
      Also, we need to address the imbalance of power your scenario sets up. A woman at that dinner would still face an uncomfortable work environment after the dinner, whereas my husband will not. A woman is far more likely at risk with her career to speak out than my husband would be.

      • Jonathan says:

        “A woman is far more likely at risk with her career to speak out than my husband would be.”

        How do you know that? Have you been in this situation before? I have. As a man, it’s far harder to be taken seriously by a male boss or client wanting to go to these places when you suggest otherwise. We are quickly ostracized and told to “man up” or lose your “man card.” The repercussions are far greater and go beyond just a single night. In every situation like this, when a female counterpart is joining us, places like Twin Peaks rarely get brought up and quickly get shot down when suggested.

        • Jonathan,
          Yes I have been in this situation before and have twice lost jobs for speaking up over sexual harassment. Once for not agreeing to sleep with the boss, once for stating I disagreed with a stripper giving lap dances during a board meeting. In fact, I began working at age 15 and have never held a job at which I was not sexually harassed.
          So yes, while I do see that guys might suffer from peer pressure, I think the fate for women is much more severe.

  11. I’m sorry but I call B.S. If you have such a huge issue with him attending dinner at Twin Peaks, the issue is yours, not your husband’s, not the bosses, and definitely not your daughter’s. As a parent how dare you bring your children into your battle. That is fighting “like a girl”. You want to be a feminist? great! Put on your big girl panties and handle it yourself, between you and your husband. Remember in your world of feminism you are equal, so stop bringing in children to a place they don’t belong.

    Secondly, why on earth would it matter if they went to eat there with the wait staff dressed like that? Do you go on vacation with your husband? been to a beach? a pool? Women should be allowed to wear whatever it is they are comfortable wearing, and if it is this skimpy outfit to work in to make money for them and their family, go get it girl! Women have something men don’t have, and the only one’s who seem to have a problem with that is the insecure little women left home.

    I’m sorry, but self-proclaimed feminists who find an issue with a woman making more money than a man, doing something she loves are not feminists. They are the ones creating an issue.

    I can tell you right now if my husband went to twin peaks and ate dinner with his boss he would not come home to a fight, nor would his children know anything about it. I am secure in my relationship. He isn’t going anywhere, and he isn’t looking any harder at their tits than I am at the nice ass in jeans and cowboy boots at the rodeo. I don’t want him to be so insecure I have to feel bad about looking, why would I want to do that to him?

    • Suzi,
      Why would my children not have a place in learning about and practicing feminism. My children asked where their dad was. I said the name of the restaurant. They asked what it was, as we’ve never eaten there as a family. We pulled up the website. The above photo popped up, they were offended. We talked about it, I wrote about it.

      And trust, my husband and I had a very long, detailed discussion about how inappropriate this decision was to hold a business dinner at a breastaurant.

      There is a time and a place for everything. Boobs at the beach = totally appropriate. Topless beaches are appropriate. Boobs out for nursing = appropriate. Corporate interests exploiting the bodies of women to draw in male clientele is not empowerment. Do you really think one of those waitresses is making more money than the men she is serving? Or the men who run the company? Really?

      • Wow… Must be special to think that you speak for all women. These women that work at waitresses are not exploited. They are not victims. They are not abducted into this kind of work. They get PAID. They made a CHOICE to do this. They KNOW exactly what they are doing. It may not be your cup of tea but it’s theirs. One minute “feminists” are trying to “free the nipple” and the next saying that women are exploited for “having to sell their sexuallity.” Why not lash out at the waitresses for keeping the feminist agenda back in the dark ages? No, it’s all men’s fault. The unhealthy feminism you spout is all about women being empowered victims which is a paradox that doesn’t work. Do you think that Hillary Clinton cares about her husband looking at Twin Peaks girls? Maybe a bit, but she just keeps moving forward. She might be president someday. That’s true feminism at work. Writing (whining) about being a feminist and being a successful one are two different things.

      • Your kids are “offended” because you’ve taught them to be offended. Most parents, in this situation, would say “Your father is in a business meeting with his boss” and that’d be the end of the conversation. Kids aren’t going to go “Oh really what restaurant? What’s that place like? Let’s visit the website!!!” No, YOU are the one who directed the conversation to the environment at Twin Peaks, and reinforced values in your kids that you have taught them – values that tell them to be offended at this.

      • Brandin says:

        Oh and I suppose you’re o great you just get to speak for those women and judge them? You’re treating women like they’re CHILDREN who can’t make their own decisions. You’re an anti feminist. How dare you speak for those women who CHOSE to work at twin peaks. You have no authority or right. You don’t speak for the majority of women.

      • Shannon says:

        You are admitting to using your children as a tool against your husband for something you admitted he had to do to support your family. You admitted he was put in this situation by upper management but you to get even you destroyed you children’s respect for their father because he needs to keep his job to take care of them. That is deplorable.

        • Dinner was not a required part of his salary. I did not “destroy my children’s respect for their father”. They still love and respect their father. They were able to articulate to him why they thought this was wrong, and Amelia more so than Ben was able to talk about why it made her angry. My children are intelligent beings with their own thoughts and opinions, and are given freedom to express them.

      • Jonathan says:

        What exactly does “practicing feminism” mean to you? By the sound of it, it means that it’s not ok for women to make their own choice to work at a “breastaurant” and make money by using their God-given looks. It sounds like feminism for you is a one-way street.

        • This post isn’t about whether or not women “chose” to work at T&A restaurants, and whether or not that is empowerment and feminism. That is a discussion for another day. Until then, I can individually support a woman while disagreeing with her involvement in the patriarchal bargain. That’s a two-way street.

    • Suzi, I’m with you. I am a former Twin Peaks girl and this article really frustrated me. I agree that it’s inappropriate to hold a business meeting there. But, I feel like the author is shaming the women that work there. As a feminist, you have no right to say what empowers another woman. When I worked there my confidence was boosted because I was more aware of my body and I took better care of myself. I also made enough money to buy a new car, get an apartment and pay for college.
      If you have a problem with the actual establishment and other breasturants, take it out on corporate, not the people who CHOOSE to work there.
      I’m not a parent so I can’t give advice on how to raise your children, however, shaming other women and using “stripper” as a way of insulting someone doesn’t sound much like feminism.

      • Jenn,
        That’s great you felt empowered while working there and were able to purchase things for yourself, even big ticket items like a car and a college education. Those are huge accomplishments. But while YOU felt empowered, you were playing a role in the patriarchal bargain where you financially benefited by looking a certain way but a great many other women were exploited, harassed, or worse.
        Individually yes, I’m sure the system worked great for you. Congrats. Big picture, the commodificiation of women’s bodies hurts a great deal more of us.

    • Totally agree with you Suzi. Policing a woman’s body is not feminist. Slut-shaming women for wearing what you consider skimpy clothing is not feminist. And using your daughter against your husband is just plain not cool.

    • Thank you. Finally someone said it.. I totally feel bad for this ladies husband. He’s a “dead man” for trying to put food on the table. And then you keep saying my daughter and son know it’s wrong, they aren’t coached blah blah blah. But yet in the next sentence you say it’s ok to teach sexism.. B.S. they are young. They also aren’t in a position to keep food on the table for the family.. You’re right, your husband didn’t make the decision to go there. His bosses did. Condemning him for their decisions is bs. And you know if it’s his boss and his bosses boss, then chances are you suck it up and go where they want to go.. The fact that you even brought your children into that is utter jealousy, by trying to put as many people on your side of the story as you can.. not knowing it’s only creating divide in your family.. I hope this guy has a set of balls to stand up to your horsesh!t bc that’s all it is. Give the guy a freaking break. If he weren’t putting food on the table, I’m sure you ass would be right back on the Internet, writing a blog about how you have to carry the family and your husband is soo terrible bc of it. You really need a reality check… grow up!

      • Suzi and Kyle,
        This post is more about shaming the business practice and the sexism in the workplace than it is personally shaming my husband. He was in a hard spot, one I point out in the post, and really there was no winning for him. He did, however, know ahead of time our family’s opinion of these places. Either way, while this specific situation involved my specific husband, how many fathers/husbands/brothers are party to a sexist workplace – whether they want to be or not? This situation could happen to any guy at work – the post was to ask people what the strength of their convictions was, and to consider how frequently women have to deal with this in the workplace.

  12. Unfortunately you are taking the action of your husbands bosses out on your husband.

    Ask yourself a couple of base questions.

    Can you afford for your husband not to work at his current job?

    Can you afford for your husband to lose his job or to potentially face negative job performance reviews over a principle?

    Yes the location of the meeting sucks. And yes it would be lovely if he had the ability to stand up and say no.

    However unless you and him both are comfortable with him not working for this company again, and potentially getting poor references from his employers, then it becomes something that you have to suck up and deal.

    Setting him up for attacks from his children and indicating he is in hot water because of his bosses actions does nothing but further make a hard situation even harder. And it is the type of thing that is likely to breed resentment.

    • Carl,
      I am holding my husband accountable for my husband’s actions and decisions. As I stated in the post I know it was not his decision to go there and while I appreciate the help, your questions were asked and answered.

      • would you object to him eating at a Chippendale’s? not likely many women there on the clock.

      • Being a guy notwithstanding, I suppose that there is an extra angle to look at here: that of class difference.
        Beyond the oppression of women, there is also the oppression of class: your husband and you were oppressed by class. The end result was the patronage of a business that oppresses women.

        As victims of different oppression, what would have been a pragmatic way to maintain the alliance and face both between the two of you against both?

        Which one to you is personally closer?

        I don’t know enough about how you and your husband function, but I would feel pretty isolated as a victim of class oppression if I were him.

  13. As a couple you need to be together in this. Instead of pitting your daughter against him (I can’t believe you did this, terrible move both for your daughter and your husband) you should tackle the problem in unity. Either accept the burden of the dinner together, or the burden of the potential career suicide together. Say something like, “tell them you won’t eat there, dear, and we’ll make it work whatever happens”. Instead, your husband has a slew of guilt for doing what he has to in his career to contribute to his family’s income, an angry daughter who doesn’t fully understand the entire ramifications of the situation, and a wife set against him.

    I dunno, that’s not feminism to me either. Feminism is recognizing the effect on society that patriarchy has, both on men and women. Don’t abandon who should be your greatest ally, your partner, just to score some points.

    • Hold up, Bryan. Did I pit my daughter against him? I asked her what she thought and she was able to articulate her feelings for herself. She knew it was wrong, she didn’t need to be told or coached.

      And yes, he absolutely has to answer for it.

    • Christine says:

      You definitely pitted your daughter and son against your husband. I re-read that line several times in disbelief.
      Most jobs require some level of doing something you don’t really necessarily always like or agree with, at some point. But most people can separate that from who they are as a person, and weigh out the benefits versus moral dilemma. Your husband is providing for you and your family. He didn’t choose the restaurant, and it’s selfish of you to put him down and bring your kids in on it to gang up on him.
      Delete this post before anyone else reads it or it gets back to your husband’s office. Yikes.

  14. Would this conversation change if it was about women who dress like this voluntarily at an establishment that has no such dress code? It definitely does for me! My GF, 14 year old nephew and I went to a restaurant and were served by a woman with large breasts who wore an extremely low cut, revealing Hooters-like shirt. I was extremely uncomfortable the entire time she waited on us. Her breasts were like the proverbial “elephants in the room” everyone was trying to pretend we’re not there. Women actively and voluntarily objectify and sexualize themselves and I’m sick and tired of everyone exclusively blaming men for sexism.

    • Nick,
      Do a quick search of the term “patriarchal bargain”. No little girls grows up saying “When I’m big, I want to be an undervalued sex object working for minimum wage!”

      • As an ex-stripper, this hits a nerve on so many levels. First- thank you for not shaming the women for believing that whatever their individual situations may be, marketing their sexuality may unfortunately be one of their most viable options to support themselves right now. Second- thank you for raising children to recognize there is a problem. Our culture idolizes models and pageant queens, then wonders where all the strippers, porn stars, and hooters waitresses come from! This is not an issue about nudity: it’s an issue about respecting women and the work they do, the human beings they are, not their ability to be “eye candy” or sexual imagery. I am extremely comfortable with nudity and I HATE hooters, Twin Peaks, etc. Although my husband has his own mind and doesn’t need me to police his actions, I know he would refuse to go and I would support his decision 100%. Will it effect his career? Take it from somebody who took their top off for a living for 10 years and still deals with the mental/emotional effects: no job is worth compromising your personal dignity or values.

      • Samantha says:

        Although I would LOVE to pick apart every thing you said and destroy your poor opinion and view of feminism, I’ll save us both the time (and you the embarrassment) and simply point out a statement of yours that I find absolutely hilarious. You honestly believe that the women working at Twin Peaks are undervalued sex objects working for minimum wage? I can almost guarantee you that many of those women make more money than you do and some probably make more than your husband does. Please do the real feminists a favor here and stop making the rest of us look bad. I truly feel sorry for you.
        -A Twin Peaks Girl

  15. “It makes me sad. I feel badly for the women, they should have undershirts on and not booty shorts. You mean they have to wear that to work? If I worked there as a waitress I would quit.

    I agree w/this article. The only part I want to point out, and yes I am nitpicking, is the above statement…and my response to that is the women who work there know going in what the dress code is and what the owners stand for. Therefore, “If I worked there….I would quit” implies that you knew going in what was expected then you changed your mind after the fact… Just humble opinion and great article…

    • Warren,
      I do not disagree with your comment, but my daughter is ten and does not have the advance knowledge of these types of restaurants like you and I do. Yes, women applying at these places know ahead of time what they are getting into. Her point was if she was employed and then required to wear something similar to work she would quit.

      Thanks for reading!

  16. Jerri Higgins says:

    It’s crazy, and also not surprising that this is the world we occupy. That a boss – or bosses’ boss thought that a good choice for a business dinner says worlds about him (it is definitely not a her). That your husband was put into a position where to decline could mean losing work or status is horrifying.
    I’d like to know his boss’s name so we can all know the loser that he is.

  17. Jane C. says:

    Personally, I wouldn’t have a business meeting at Twin Peaks unless I was very comfortable with the temperament of all people in attendance and knew they were okay with it because the restaurant does have a sexual theme. That being said, this restaurant is built on a theme – much like the Magic Time Machine where all waiters and waitresses have to wear a costume.
    Is the character waitress of the little mermaid in her bikini shell top, or Marilyn Monroe in her seductive white dress, objectified merely by their clothing? Probably not.
    What objectifies people is how they are treated, how they are seen.

    Women dressing attractively or being scantily clad doesn’t inherently objectify them. Many women choose to dress this way for themselves, because it makes them feel pretty. And others choose to dress more conservatively because it makes them feel comfortable or attractive. Neither choice inherently objectifies women.
    It’s how those women are treated that determine if they are objectified. Nothing in your post talks about how the men acted at that meeting.

    So to answer your question, as a new young female hire I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable going to this restaurant with coworkers. What WOULD make me feel uncomfortable is comments made by coworkers that degraded those waitresses or women in general. But we don’t know that that happened.
    I’ve eaten at Twin Peaks before, with my partner. We had a nice time, got to know the waitress and enjoyed the food. We’ve been back a couple times. At no point did I feel the waitstaff or women in general were objectified.

    But if you’ve been to the restaurant and have seen the women working there being objectified, please chime in.

    • Jane C., are you seriously attempting to claim that the female employees are not being objectified? What do you suppose the job “qualifications” might be, exactly? How many older women do you suppose are hired at Hooters or Twin Peaks, etc., and why are those restaurants named after a particular female body part-Of course in a real “cutesy” way-wink, wink. Yes, and of course NO ONE will be looking at these women precisely for the reason they were hired in the first place, as well as the sole purpose of such an establishment. People aren’t going there for the food.

      • Jane C. says:

        People do go there for the food. I’ll swing by Hooters and pick up wings for my dad because he really, honestly, likes the wings.

        The original poster has confused the display of female sexuality with objectification of women. This is a very common misconception. Women can choose to be sexual and to present themselves sexually. When they are a) not given the ability to choose, b) are held at a lower standard because of that choice or c) are subjected to compromised healthcare, protection, fair wage, etc because of that choice, etc then there is a problem.

        I understand that there’s this assumption that some part of that HAS to be going on here because men can’t control themselves around such a display of cleavage, but THAT right there is sexism in a nutshell.

        • Are you suggesting that women who want to waitress at this establishment have a choice to display their sexuality or not? A run-through of their web site certainly doesn’t indicate as much. First of all, only girls need apply to be servers apparently. They “audition” for the job after they have “glammed up” their hair and make up. All of the pictures of servers are wearing the “lumber Jill” outfit. They are expected to be “playful and energetic” with the customers. (I read that as you must be willing to endure men ogling at and commenting on your body, whilst remaining pleasant and even laughing along with them.) Certainly the servers who put up with this the best are paid higher compensation via tips.
          There seems to be an annual event that involves a beauty competition among the servers.
          “The show began with the Twin Peaks Girls donning a signature red bikini and sash, and gave them the opportunity to introduce themselves to the crowd. Unique bikinis and glamorous lingerie fashion equipped with wings soon followed. Twin Peaks signature Lumber Jill gear was worn by all of the top ten contestants as the last outfit change of the evening.”
          The winner of this competition is featured in a calendar. Missed the event and want to see for yourself how much it doesn’t objectify women – don’t worry, you can buy the DVD.

          • Jane C. says:

            There is objectification and harassment in the serving industry period. How much of it largely depends on the establishment, not the theme of the restaurant or the uniforms. I worked both as a bartender at a sports bar where I wore black pants and a polo shirt and at a club where I wore a cocktail skirt and a halter top vest.
            I received more harassment at the sports bar where I was dressed more conservatively. And yes, the preselected uniform was a requirement in both jobs.
            Having a friendly and engaging personality was also a requirement.

            I will repeat: Clothing does not in itself objectify a woman. The belief that a scantily clad woman can not be or be seen for anything else, does.

            In regards to the beauty/fashion show – I wasn’t previously aware they had that event, and I can’t find anything about it on their site. (didn’t look terribly hard) But I do know they offer the girls that waitress modeling opportunities. This seems inline with that.

          • Jane C. says:

            Now, you want to talk about an industry that objectifies? Modeling.
            It’s the summation of what modeling IS. You are moveable furniture, you are the coat hanger for their clothes. They do not care about your personality, or skills beyond the ability to walk down a run away in sync and how photogenic you are.
            I think more emphasis needs to be put on this to people entering into the modeling world.

            And yet the women who work at Twin Peaks are viewed more derisively than runway models. Must be the cleavage.

        • “Women can choose to be sexual and present themselves sexually” Yes, of course: sexuality is part of our human experience. However, people are generally not sexually aroused by serving food to strangers in a restaurant. This exploitation of female sexuality both objectifies women and separates them emotionally from their ability to experience their sexuality without shame, guilt, or obligation to please others. I also agree that there is objectification and harassment in the serving industry I general. That’s the problem: we shouldn’t have to choose a job based on how much “whoring’ it will require! Don’t get me wrong here, I have no problem with prostitutes and do not discriminate against them in any way. My point is until our choices for employment do not require our sexuality to be a part of the package, we are all whoring and it’s time to change the system.

        • It’s so nice your Dad likes the wings at Twin Peaks. That’s hardly a stellar recommendation of the food, which is not the point. Your comments are disingenuous at best, over eagerness to promote Twin Peaks propaganda is suspect. You failed to address my point of the ages and physical requirements of the women to be considered for employment at Twin Peaks. How many older women are employed at Twin Peaks. Your insistent refusal to admit that women are hired primarily for their looks/breast size is telling. Let’s draw you a figurative picture: Yes, clothing or the lack thereof objectifies women WHEN that is the purpose of their employment, while serving food is secondary. It’s not as though the women who work at these restaurants are not aware of their specific roles in relation to the customer. Having a “friendly and engaging personality” can mean many things. You could also claim that might be a requirement for employment as a flight attendant. Funny, but the last time I flew, they were fully dressed. And btw, there are many different genres of modeling, and certainly not all modeling requires being half naked, unless it’s Victoria’s Secret, etc. If anything, modeling coerces women into starving themselves, due to the sexist ideas of appropriate body types/sizes for women-and they are unlikely to have double “D” chest sizes.
          The women who are employed by Twin Peaks, etc., are Not choosing to be sexual- they are working a shit job in order to receive a paycheck. Let’s see what happens if they decide to button up their shirts one night.

          • Samantha says:

            The women at Twin Peaks are working a shit job in order to receive a paycheck? Obviously you possess no experience or knowledge of working in the service industry lol. I wouldn’t consider Twin Peaks a shit job considering most of those women make more money than you do, Sophie (I would know, I worked there for several years). Also, paychecks in the service world are basically nonexistent. My paycheck every two weeks after taxes ends up being about $2.16. If you want to add something significant to this conversation, please try to inform yourself beforehand. One last thing — having your shirt unbuttoned most certainly does NOT mean you will automatically receive better tips. Just like wearing a buttoned shirt does NOT mean that you won’t be hit on, harassed, or objectified by men. Don’t quit your day job, sweetheart.

        • Jane C. I love your response(s). When I first read the article I had mixed feelings, (particularly because her daughter was involved which lends a whole new dimension to the problem in my opinion) about it as I was thinking about how I’d react if my husband were in the same situation. I read through the comments because reading differing opinions helps me to either solidify my original position on the issue or opens my mind to the other sides of the story, depending on the issue.

          I am in the military as well in aviation as a civilian, which are two male-dominated fields, so I have experience as that “young, excited professional female” she refers to in the article. I reflected back in my 8 years in service and my experiences being surrounded by, and therefore generally subjected to, the choices and preferences of men which almost always outweighed my own since I was always outnumbered. I’ve spent a lot of time (more than I’d be willing to admit) in establishments like this, and in my experience it really comes down to the individuals. I’ve been out with groups of guys that were all about catcalling and flirting and objectifying the women, and I’ve been with groups (usually some guys from each category mixed into the group) that couldn’t be bothered with if the waitress wore a bikini or a burka. And when the former group started to get out of hand, I or some of the other guys in my group would reign in the jerks. I also have to say, in my experience in the military professional environment as well as off duty in an establishment like this, the differences between these types of men is generational. The overwhelming majority of the “jerks” were the older guys who were old enough to be my dad (and therefore a part of his generation). Not only were they more likely to act inappropriately at a place like hooters, they were more likely to automatically disregard my skill set and experience and even go so far as to question my awards and promotions because I’m a girl. The guys my age on the other hand, are a whole new breed (there are of course, always bad apples and there always will be) but the majority of them, consciously or not, were feminists in the way they treated me and the handful of other women we worked with at work and outside of work.

          Anyway, my point is, I don’t think it’s fair to lump all men, including a husband (someone you chose to spend the rest of your life with in part because you value the same things) into an anti-fem group without evaluating the individual and the way they conduct themselves. He was torn between earning a living for his family (I’ll venture a guess that if he wasn’t contributing to their family financially the author would have another set of choice words for him, and rightly so) and upholding his principles. If it were my husband and he went to the dinner, acted professionally and treated the wait staff with the same respect he would treat me with, then I think it’s fair to say he made the best of a bad situation and I’d give him a pass. If she found pictures of him acting like an animal and feeding into the very mentality that led the boss’s boss to believe that was an acceptable place for a business dinner, then fry him.

          Also on a side note, the girls who work there are not victims and shouldn’t be treated like they are. They are adults, who chose a job they either 1) felt they would enjoy and/or 2) pays the bills. And even if it is just the latter, they still deserve respect and should be free of judgement. The majority of us do jobs we don’t like because that’s what we can and/or need to do to make ends meet. As long as they freely decided to work there, and are free to walk away when they no longer want to work there, they don’t need our sympathy and they don’t deserve our judgment. They’re just people trying to pay their bills and not become a burden on society like anyone else with a job.

      • “Be a Twin Peaks Girl! The Twin Peaks Girls are the hosts of the party bringing the Twin Peaks experience to life while serving high quality eats and drinks. They have a ‘girl next door’ personality, offering a playful and energetic hospitality to our guests. Twin Peaks Girls enjoy flexible scheduling, great tips, modeling and travel opportunities. If you think you can work it, CLICK HERE to find the nearest location to audition! Grab your favorite outfit, glam up your hair and make-up and visit us today.”

    • Not seeing that. Marilyn Monroe was an iconic person. Little Mermaid is a character (has anyone been to an eatery with someone walking around with the shell bra?).

      What “theme” is Twin Peaks? “Boobs.” Sorry, does not equate.

  18. The ladies who work there should be respected and not degraded on the internet. If you were a guy who said similar, you would be crucified. When I read this, I’m reminded of those people who say, if she didn’t want people to stare at them or touch them, she shouldn’t have worn THAT.

  19. You need feminism because… You judge other women based on their appearance and the inadequacies you feel because of it.

    Women have the agency to choose a job that embraces sexuality rather than shaming it. I guess you judge the women who wear thongs at the beach too.

    Why don’t you just go to Saudi Arabia if you think women should cover themselves from head to toe.

    “I Need Feminism Because…..Twin Peaks and Bosses” #thingsuglygirlscomplainabout

  20. This is an inappropriate place for a business meeting, regardless of the genders of the attendees. More than one of the companies I’ve worked for won’t cover expenses at ‘lounges or places where a floor show or other activities would preclude the ability to discuss business.” I’ve never been invited to a business meal at a place like this or Hooters (or even for non-business meals). The people I have worked for during the past 35 years would not even suggest this. But, this is not a strip club. It is a.restaurant with probably iffy food and a cheesy theme.

  21. Sorry, I just stumbled on this, but I’m completely mystified. Why are you angry at your husband? What do you think he should have done? What’s the minimum you expect from servers’ uniforms?

    • This post is more about shaming the business practice and the sexism in the workplace than it is personally shaming my husband. He was in a hard spot, one I point out in the post, and really there was no winning for him. He did, however, know ahead of time our family’s opinion of these places. Either way, while this specific situation involved my specific husband, how many fathers/husbands/brothers are party to a sexist workplace – whether they want to be or not? This situation could happen to any guy at work – the post was to ask people what the strength of their convictions was, and to consider how frequently women have to deal with this in the workplace.

      I prefer not to see ass cheeks when I eat. Breasts I’m fine with, but not when they are packaged for the male gaze.

  22. Firm disagree that being mad at your husband is appropriate. I’m with you on almost everything else, it truly sucks that he had to go there, but thats what it is, he HAD to go there.

    • Guest,
      THAT is the point of the post, his having to go to dinner. This post is more about shaming the business practice and the sexism in the workplace than it is personally shaming my husband. He was in a hard spot, one I point out in the post, and really there was no winning for him. He did, however, know ahead of time our family’s opinion of these places. Either way, while this specific situation involved my specific husband, how many fathers/husbands/brothers are party to a sexist workplace – whether they want to be or not? This situation could happen to any guy at work – the post was to ask people what the strength of their convictions was, and to consider how frequently women have to deal with this in the workplace.

  23. John M Hebner says:

    I agree with you in principal. The choice of restaurant is not only deplorable in the business world it is straight up tacky. Women are more than their secondary sexual characteristics. My only issue with all of this is how you are punishing your partner for it. Was it his choice of venue? Did he go there to oggle and drool? If he’s married to you I highly doubt he is that depraved. Cut him some slack, even the evolved people among us must deal with antiquated ideas. Having your daughter attack him and teaching her that it is ok to spew hate, no matter how justly rationalized. Is wrong. Hate doesn’t solve anything. Just my two cents.

    • This post is more about shaming the business practice and the sexism in the workplace than it is personally shaming my husband. He was in a hard spot, one I point out in the post, and really there was no winning for him. He did, however, know ahead of time our family’s opinion of these places. Either way, while this specific situation involved my specific husband, how many fathers/husbands/brothers are party to a sexist workplace – whether they want to be or not? This situation could happen to any guy at work – the post was to ask people what the strength of their convictions was, and to consider how frequently women have to deal with this in the workplace.

  24. I wouldn’t care, this article is stupid. Don’t punish your husband for following his boss’s choice, and you make your daughter ask the question just to try and and almost shame him. ”And when he walks through the door I’ll watch her eat him alive. I’ve found it is far easier to justify sexism to your wife ”

    You automatically assume you know what the boss would say ”How are you sure the boss’s boss isn’t just staring at your tits and thinking about f*cking you while you talk about profit growth and project acquisitions?” You put words and try and shape and event that even that you didn’t even attend… I go out to strip clubs with my boss and coworkers sometime and I am treated as an equal, I am one of the guys. ”It makes me sad. I feel badly for the women, they should have undershirts on and not booty shorts” Stop devaluing their career choice, it is after all their choice, there are plenty of other restaurants to work at. There are plenty of strippers that take pride in there work, on of my best friends wants to be a stripper, even though she has a great job. Just because you are ashamed or can handle the seeing human body is not mine or your husbands or his bosses fault. Stop trying to make a big deal out of nothing, this right here is why feminism has such a bad name…

  25. I am a former employee of 2 establishments such as this one. I’m also a LMSW and now own a sports bar in TX. The objectification of women, not just at Twin Peaks, but in the service industry as a whole is disturbing. People think it’s odd that I employ men as servers at my bar and not just as managers and bartenders. Don’t you find it odd that when you go to a restaurant or bar you see women serving and men as managers or bartenders? I do! Even now, as a business owner, people think I’m a server. I can imagine it’s b/c I’m young and I’m a woman.

    Anyways… I’ve found the best weapon is education! I received my undergrad at Tx Woman’s University. Many of my classes in social work talked about feminism and social injustice. I also worked in domestic violence for many years. Through all of that I learned why we women think this behavior is “normal” of men and also why men think it’s “normal”. Many of the young women working at these places have young children to support or school to pay for. They see it as a means to an end. They have no idea that they can work at most sports bars and pull in the same amount of cash (and wear more comfortable clothes doing it).

    I’d say don’t just avoid going to places like this… Rather than do that… GO… And talk to these ladies about what they do and what they WANT to do. Maybe you have a way to make an alternative opportunity for them so they can see the world isn’t all about T and A!

    • Those are some great points, Jackie! On an individual basis I would not mind talking to women who work at places like this. As the norm in the business world that includes female businesswomen, I am not in favor of business dinners taking place at breasteraunts where a gender is the “theme” of the establishment. I find that very disturbing, whether it be men or women.

    • Guest 65 says:

      Thank you for your post. As the mother of a current twin peaks worker, you may understand my feelings on this matter. When we discuss her large paychecks, she always reminds me “well, I am working almost naked”. I am thankful she is both supporting herself yet looking for other work because “I am tired of being exploited”. She is fierce and independent. The worse seemed to be when workers are “top ten” girls. The establishment pits them against each other brutally. As to “modelling opportunities”, the top girls are required to go to “their photographer’s studio” for Facebook shots. He conveniently gets them to pose for his website, once again, large payments. His “artistic” shots slowly become “for mature viewing only”. So I am thankful for the ” regulars” whom do not degrade these hard working young women, but respect them as much as possible in a challenging work environment. God bless and be with these girls as they navigate their way through life in general. My hope, as I have shared with her is that she will one day be able to use her experience as a twin peaks girl and website model, will be to help other young exploited girls. I am glad to hear stories such as yours. You give people hope. Thank you.

  26. I need feminism because you think it’s alright to berate your husband for doing something he finds personally distasteful so he can support his fuming daughter and blogging wife. You should have his back and be supportive and grateful. Is using sex to sell products a new thing? I’m a proud feminist and find your rant to be a tempest in a teapot. These women have the right to dress how they like and work where they like.

    • This post is more about shaming the business practice and the sexism in the workplace than it is personally shaming my husband. While this specific situation involved my specific husband, how many fathers/husbands/brothers are party to a sexist workplace – whether they want to be or not? This situation could happen to any guy at work – the post was to ask people what the strength of their convictions was, and to consider how frequently women have to deal with this in the workplace.

  27. Guest9605 says:

    I get that breastaurants are icky and insulting, especially in the context of a business meeting. I get that you want to involve your daughter in discussions of feminism. I get that you want to stand by your convictions and that you would hope your husband feels the same way, and it’s disappointing that he didn’t stand up to the big boss.

    I feel bad for your husband and daughter in this scenario, though, because I don’t think your husband’s choice to go along with his employers means he is disgusting and sexist and deserves to be viewed that way, especially by his daughter. If your daughter is really that upset about it, she might be looking at her dad now and feeling uncomfortable in a way she might not be able to shake off like an adult would. You didn’t “coach” her, but your reaction also adds fuel to the fire as her mother. Lessons about feminism are important, but so is your daughter and husband’s relationship. She should be shown and taught that her dad is an ally, not a creep. We all have our moments and I don’t think you would want your husband showcasing yours to your daughter, if the roles were reversed.

    • I don’t think that it is disappointing that he didn’t stand up to his boss, I’m not sure I would really expect someone in that situation to do so.
      I don’t think my husband is disgusting or sexist. I don’t think my daughter is having issues when she looks at her father.

      • Guest9605 says:

        Oh okay, I guess you wrote this whole rant because you had no feelings about this situation at all and neither did your daughter and you had no issue with your husband. Thanks for clarifying that I was misunderstanding each and every point of your whole article, I guess I mistakenly read the words you wrote and then responded to them. LOL.

  28. Wow, unbelievable. How awful that you saw fit to involve your daughter and use your children as pawns in an argument with your husband. And before you give me the line you gave other commenters, that you had no choice but to involve her when she asked where he was, please, just don’t. She asked where her dad was. The appropriate answer is “he’s still at work” or “he’s at a business meeting” or “he’s having dinner with his boss,” which is all the information a child wants or needs to know. Instead you deliberately chose to involve her because it would be harder for your husband to explain himself to his “fuming disappointed daughter” than his wife. How vile of you. And you say he’s “in trouble” when he gets home. What is he, 12? You brag about ganging up on him with your daughter? About shaming him? Is he your partner, or your dog? No wonder your poor husband wants to have a beer with the guys. I bet he drives home every night wondering what he’s “in trouble” for tonight, dreading being berated when he walks in the door. Maybe just give him a kiss and say thanks, since after all he is providing for your family by trying to keep his job. This kind of treatment of men is actually why younger women like myself are distancing ourselves from feminism (what was it Gloria Steinem said? “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”) File under “I have no use for feminism because.”

  29. I rarely comment on anything but why post this online? This is a private matter that should be between you and your husband. You shouldn’t share something that could get him in hot water at work and definitely should not have shared it with your daughter! One sentence can be embedded into a childs memory effecting the way they look at a parent for years, seeing you upset “obviously emotional over this” and daddy put into the same category in her mind as I had of mine who was actually at strip clubs on his own and having affairs. My mother had a reason to bash him, I saw her lose her cool but it was understandable. Anyone reading can see a huge insecurity issue, if he had said no he would have gotten zero points with the boss, it’s Texas and yes guys bored with a nagging wife go to twin peaks but so do families and alot of businessmen for the food and atmosphere. They aren’t nude, your husband would see more on a trip to a water park with you and your daughter. Most women fear business trips with hotels, strange women or escorts, but shaming him to the world and your daughter for not being rude to his boss & going to a local restaurant where if he did come onto the waitress he would get shut down is not fair. These girls aren’t just going to jump in the car with him, the typical girl working at one of these places has such an ego that unless he was well off, highly attractive, single and very smooth it wouldnt happen. They also want a very public social media showoff type relationship, they can get young muscular jock/cowboy types with money…they do not to be an older out of shape married man’s mistress “some women think twin peaks/Hooters girls are as easy as strippers for patrons” even in the year I spent as a strip club DJ I rarely saw married men getting any after work time in with dancers, if they did it was nasty old men with the dirtiest of dancers. The last part was a quick note for women everywhere making assumptions. It wasnt me defending men it was defending the women in these places.

    • This post is more about shaming the business practice and the sexism in the workplace than it is personally shaming my husband. He was in a hard spot, one I point out in the post, and really there was no winning for him. He did, however, know ahead of time our family’s opinion of these places. Either way, while this specific situation involved my specific husband, how many fathers/husbands/brothers are party to a sexist workplace – whether they want to be or not? This situation could happen to any guy at work – the post was to ask people what the strength of their convictions was, and to consider how frequently women have to deal with this in the workplace.

  30. I highly doubt your daughter (who is ten) said “If I worked at Daddy’s office, I wouldn’t feel valued or respected. Honestly? I think that is b.s.” I’m thinking that these are your words you expect from her. Also, a 10 year old shouldn’t be ending her feminist rant with “I think that is B.S.” It’s a shame you take all this time to teach your kids the values of feminism, but you can’t teach them that referring to something as B.S. is not okay at 10. A ten year old shouldn’t even know what B.S is.

    • My ten year old is very intelligent, those were absolutely her words. Do you hang out with a lot of tweens? I think their smarts would impress you. And yes, my daughter can absolutely call bullshit when she sees it.

  31. Tim Staffell says:

    I do find it increasingly difficult to understand how a woman can dress in a provocative manner, and then demand that she be looked on completely dispassionately. What am I missing here?

  32. Rebecca C. says:

    This post made me really sad. “Breasteraunts” are essentially tame strip clubs masquerading as food establishments, and the fact that your husband’s superior thought in an acceptable place for a business meeting is tone-deaf at best, repugnant at worst (personally I lean more towards the repugnant opinion.)

    But the thing that really made me sad was how little regard you seem to have for your husband. From a first-time-reader’s perspective (which is that you think him rather spineless), your publicly shaming him on the internet seems to demonstrate a basic level of contempt that I seriously hope will not come back to bite you. Read any John Gottman work about relationships and you will find that his research points to contempt as the #1 precursor to the breakup of a relationship.

    I applaud your dedication and outspokenness on feminism but please, for your child’s sake if nothing else, be kind to your husband.

    And, incidentally, I very much don’t buy your pleading innocent on answering your daughter’s question because you are smart enough to know there are ways to answer a child’s question that doesn’t result in an internet search. (“Mommy, where’s Daddy?” “At a business dinner.” “Where?” “Someplace we’ve never been. His boss chose it…you can ask dad about it when he gets home. Now go clean your room.”) In my work, I’ve seen far too often this type of dynamic (pointing out the other spouse’s character flaws) backfire when a marriage ends. The spouse that was the most critical of the other ends up being most often blamed by the kids for the breakup. It’s heartbreaking.

    • This post is more about shaming the business practice and the sexism in the workplace than it is personally shaming my husband. I don’t think my husband is “spineless”, I think he didn’t really have any good choices here. He was in a hard spot, one I point out in the post, and really there was no winning for him. He did, however, know ahead of time our family’s opinion of these places.

      Either way, while this specific situation involved my specific husband, how many fathers/husbands/brothers are party to a sexist workplace – whether they want to be or not? This situation could happen to any guy at work – the post was to ask people what the strength of their convictions was, and to consider how frequently women have to deal with this in the workplace.

  33. As a religious man, a father of three daughters, the twin brother of a feminist sister and son of a feminist mother, I normally speaking appreciate and support your efforts and hope that you will continue to speak your mind in the future. I agree wholeheartedly that places like twin peaks which objective women should not exist and that those who feel that they are appropriate places for business meetings are wildly mistaken. That being said I think in this case how you handled it was not correct though I will humbly state that obviously I am not privy to the conversations you, your husband and your daughter may have had prior as well as later, and can only go off of your written account here. Obviously there is likely way more nuance to this decision of your husband to attend the meeting (as I don’t think you married a sexist pig). He should have discussed it with you first and made a decision together. Whether he did or did not however does not mean that you should shame him publicly like this. In my tradition, publicly embarrassing someone is about the worst thing you can do. The fact that it was your husband goes against creating peace in the home, the holiest place we have. Obviously you were angry and disappointed and right to feel so. Doing this does not help the situation however. Bringing your daughter into it – and yes, you did – you did not have to tell her where he was or go to the website with her – that was your call to do so, has caused incredible damage to his relationship with her and her ability to trust men in the future. There are good guys out there. I am sure your husband is one of them, even if he may have been mistaken here. It is not easy to always do what is right, when usually it is the much harder thing to do. We need to be constantly reminded of it – in fact this could have been used as a teaching moment with your daughter had you and your husband after working it out together, sat her down as a team and discussed it with her – as you said, she is old enough to understand certain things. Again, I do appreciate your fighting the good fight and hope you will continue to do so and hope that my criticism in this case is taken as it is was meant to be, only constructive. Blessings.

    • Ian,
      This post is more about shaming the business practice and the sexism in the workplace than it is personally shaming my husband. He was in a hard spot, one I point out in the post, and really there was no winning for him. He did, however, know ahead of time our family’s opinion of these places. Either way, while this specific situation involved my specific husband, how many fathers/husbands/brothers are party to a sexist workplace – whether they want to be or not? This situation could happen to any guy at work – the post was to ask people what the strength of their convictions was, and to consider how frequently women have to deal with this in the workplace.

    • Christine says:

      Very much agree with you, Ian. I’m saddened that the children were brought into this, and couldn’t agree more that public shaming is the worst punishment- especially towards your partner and husband.

      You missed the mark here, Melissa, as I am sensing you are realizing through your follow up comments. This blog post seems to be written at a point of anger- while he was still at dinner and you were home thinking and brooding about it. I hope now you are able to see that you posted too rashly and involved your children in an unconstructive and damaging way.

      • Christine,
        No, I don’t think I did, but you are entitled to your opinion and to disagree. I feel badly the intent of the post was taken incorrectly by so many. This post is more about shaming the business practice and the sexism in the workplace than it is personally shaming my husband. This situation could happen to any guy at work – the post was to ask people what the strength of their convictions was, and to consider how frequently women have to deal with this in the workplace.

  34. As a fellow transplant to Texas from Wisconsin, I completely understand your husband’s predicament. Breastaraunts and teateries are really rampant and accepted as the norm. My husband and I have had a long talk about how I feel about the places and he’s definitely on board with them being a no-go, especially once our son is old enough to start understanding. I’m thankful he’s not in an industry where this is something I have to worry about. I, however, am. I’m lucky that I’m in a corporate setting where there are too many fears of HR backlash to make it allowable, but if I were in a private firm, I’m most assured (by a few people who work/have worked in that setting) that I would definitely not fit in with the culture and probably not be included in many work outings especially as some of the ones they frequent make Twin Peaks look classy. I wish your husband the best in learning to navigate the new social “norm”.

    • Taylor,
      That’s interesting you say that because I’ve had several other people mention the Texas attitude vs the Midwest values. My children ARE old enough to understand, they did understand as soon as they looked over my shoulder, and they knew it was wrong to eat dinner there. Hopefully in the future my husband can sway the group to choose a more appropriate locale for a business dinner.

  35. Genevieve says:

    Melissa, thanks for writing about this. I had a similar experience with a boyfriend and struggled to articulate why I thought he should have made a point to change lunch locations. Would love to hear a followup about how your husband reacted to his daughter’s disappointment, and if any plans are in place if a situation like this happens again (suggest a different restaurant, etc.).

    • He realized it was a bad decision by the group to go there. He defended it at first, but later understood it was not cool. And I understood he was stuck, it was a rock and a hard place for him. We talked about it with Amelia so she understood that, too. Ultimately what I wanted both him and Amelia to understand was that a young female professional should never be put in that situation, which was also the point of writing this post.

      • Genevieve says:

        Completely agree, thanks for replying. It is definitely a tough situation. Understanding the complex relationships between women and employment, employer-employee relations, and setting an example with your own behavior… can be a lot for anyone.

  36. Erin McGaughan says:

    Keep doing your good work, Melissa, especially when you come back, over and over, to challenge these sexists comments. You keep explaining rationally and respectfully, even when the sexists get less rational and less respectful. I think they realize their world is disappearing.
    And, as in most situations, you’ll have to keep being much, much MORE rational, more competent, and more persistent than your opponents, because the nature of sexism is that it isn’t a fair fight.
    You’ve got fans! We’re with you, watching you take them on, and admiring your poise. I’d have simply blocked them by now, but you’re still engaging, trying to inch them forward into 2016, even as they fight against the future.
    You treat them as though they are worth convincing, and I admire you for that.
    For me, though, it’s entirely about the next generation. Of course the sexists get especially mad at you for allowing your daughter to weigh in. They want you to actively reinforce the same sexist cultural norms they’ve ingested. If she doesn’t, they’re that much closer to irrelevance. Or worse, having to actually *change* their minds. They don’t know if they can anymore.

  37. After reading all of the comments, I’d be interested in hearing the story from your husband’s poit of view.
    A child is welcome to an opinion but not to rip their parent a new one… It is disrespectful imo. Also 10 years old is old enough to explain that those women know full well, when they apply for a job at the restaurant, that they will be a skimpy waitress.
    I agree with the sentiment that a female worker would be uncomfortable if there was innuendo going on, and if it flowed on into the workplace. That situation would then however become a legal issue.
    Now I am not a regular reader of your blog, and I doubt I will ever be. I thought I was going to be reading something empowering, not an aside at the women working as skimpies, using their bodies to make an extra buck knowing full well the point of their role is objectivism. More power to them if they are that confident in their bodies.
    How do you know your husband participated in anything you would view as misbehaving? The whole firm may have just gotten to know the waitress, as someone stated they had done, previously, and enjoyed a good meal over whatever business they were carrying on….
    I don’t know where I was going with this, but this is what I needed to say….

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