Daughters, Boyfriends, and Terrified Dads

The control of female sexuality, the paternal version.

The control of female sexuality, the paternal version.

My kids, ten and eight years old, both have their first crushes. Nothing more than “playground love” and I can see why my kids are crushing on the other two individuals. I adore the other children, they are great kids with fun personalities. While all very cute, the other parents and I agree they are entirely too young for romantic love and so instead we encourage strong friendships and do not tease them about “being in love” or being boyfriend/girlfriend.

That is a much different approach than viral dad-of-the-moment John Tierney took with his four-year-old daughter. When little Grace waved at two boys as they passed the family car her father told her “not to wave at the boys “because they’re smelly” and that sparked a debate about whether she could have a boyfriend,” as reported by the Evening Times.

Their conversation goes on and we hear “Dad of the Year”, as he has been called, telling his preschool-aged daughter he will break the legs of any boyfriend, kidnap the father, and eventually force her into a convent because she will “work for Jesus.”

Mr. Tierny’s parenting skills have been praised world wide and the video has been dubbed “hilarious” by several media outlets. Most of my conservative Christian friends loved it and shared it. Most of my progressive friends were horrified by it.

As the mother to a son and a daughter, it made me ill. And angry.

Can we please stop being so fearful of and trying to deny our children’s sexuality? They are human beings, they are going to develop into sexual creatures. It is a biological truth that got them here in the first place.

Dad of the Year? No. There is a lot going on here that is undoing the healthy development of this child. Maybe it is a harmless viral video, but it is upholding several highly problematic beliefs in our society that harm children.

First, this girl is exceptionally young to be focused on boyfriends. Her father encouraging the conversation as if it is age appropriate for her is sexualization. A more empowering conversation for this child would have been to have her list all the amazing things about her she sees in herself and that her friends and family love. She needs to be her own person long before she is anyone’s girlfriend.

Building on that idea, preschool is also a vital time to encourage friendships between boys and girls. The more time they spend together and the stronger friendships they develop, the better understanding they will have for each other and the more respect they will hold for each other.

Research supports the idea of boys and girls playing together, which makes sense since boys and girls will study, work, love, and live with each other for their entire lives.

Second, I don’t like the idea of a father controlling a child’s sexuality and tying that control to violence. Violence has no place in romantic relationships, and I’d rather see a father uphold that example than perpetuate the idea men hold title over the females in their lives.

In my family we prefer a more sex positive approach, and teach our children that having crushes on people is normal but dating and boyfriend/girlfriend stuff is best left for teenagers and college kids. In the meantime, there is a lot of growing up to do. For now, boys and girls just make really good friends.

Third, a “good father” does not threaten violence upon a child, especially the child of another family. Your daughter may be a very sweet girl, but I wouldn’t want my son anywhere near a crazy family like this. I can’t recall Jesus saying anything about breaking peoples legs or holding them hostage….Maybe we should review the work Jesus actually did.

Instead, a good father might allow his daughter to speak her mind as opposed to dominating the conversation, find out what she finds attractive in another person and use that as a teachable moment to review their family’s expectations and values.

A good father would raise a child whose judgement he can trust, instead of fear and control.

A good father raises a child who wants to keep company with other awesome people and sees the boyfriend/girlfriend as another unique, special, lovable young person.

A good father would raise his sons to be young men no family with daughters has to fear.

It takes a village to raise a child, so let’s raise them well.

To the boys or girls my children will date sometime in the future – Welcome to our village. We are big fans of respect, honesty, maturity, and no texting while driving. We have rules and expectations for our children, while in their company those also apply to you. We look at you as an awesome addition to our family. Let’s take good care of each other.

 

Melissa headshot 1 fb sizeMelissa Atkins Wardy is a speaker, media consultant, and the author ofRedefining Girly: How Parents Can Fight the Stereotyping and Sexualizing of Girlhood, from Birth to Tween. She is the creator and owner of Pigtail Pals & Ballcap Buddies, a company that has been offering empowering apparel and gifts to Full of Awesome kids since 2009 www.pigtailpals.com.

Find her at www.melissaatkinswardy.com. You can connect with her onFacebook (Pigtail Pals Ballcap Buddies) and Twitter (@PigtailPals) and Pinterest (Pigtail Pals & Ballcap Buddies).

Super Bowl Sunday and Female Sexuality

There were two examples of healthy female sexuality that come to mind in the Super Bowl commercials. Did you notice them? They depicted agency and the woman in control of the encounter.

First was Amy Poehler’s spot for Best Buy, when she repeatedly hits on her sales guy, asking if “he’ll deliver” and “read 50 Shades of Grey in a sexy voice” to her. She also asks for the “most vibratiest” dryer. She is clearly showing herself as a sexual being, and wanting company.

The other spot was for Taco Bell, when a group of elderly friends hit the town in scenes reminiscent of my twenties. (I can only hope my ending days of adulthood are as much fun as the days I started it with!) We see the women in the group taking off their clothes for a skinny dip, dancing in a club, and making out with men of various ages. I liked the message that women don’t stop seeing themselves as sexy or feeling sexy when the wrinkles and gray appear.

You may not have recognized that as female sexuality because it wasn’t wrapped in shiny black leather and knee high stiletto boots, grinding pelvises and sexualized dance moves. The two examples I shared were women acting as sexual agents in their own space and own time. Tricky, I know.

We’ve become so accustomed to defining female sexuality for what is actually packaged objectification for the male gaze. I have no desire to police or limit how women choose to express their sexuality and empowerment, but can we please aim for something higher than the porniest version possible?

You wouldn’t know it from the advertising, but 50% of last night’s viewers were women and girls. I was one of those women, and I love football. It is a complicated love affair to be sure. I’ve seen some people say that we shouldn’t really be complaining about the commercials because “Football is for men, what do you expect?” With the exception of the wicked funny Amy Poehler or the uniformed Servicewomen in the Jeep ad, the rest of the females depicted in the commercials were mostly: needing to be rescued, arm candy or prizes for men who drive amazing cars, delivering beer, nagging wives, non-verbal wives as car passengers, princesses (the Toyota princess gets a pass), fembots, showgirls, and stripper waitresses.

I have a husband who loves football, and to say that all men who watch football are sexist neanderthals who don’t have a problem with the sexualized and sexist portrayals of women is unfair. Actually, it is sexist.

It was my husband who pointed out to me during the “Fast & Furious” move preview that we saw “five female asses in bikinis and miniskirts before we saw one female face”. He denounced the GoDaddy ads and also found the halftime show to be really distasteful.

The morning after the Super Bowl I posted this: Lots of folks were asking my reaction to the half time show. I answered by asking a question — Would we ever see U2 or the Rolling Stones or Bruce Springteen perform without pants? Does Bono ever slap his ass or suggestively lick his finger and run it over his mostly-exposed breasts with a sultry look for the camera on a tight shot while wearing a leather dominatrix-like ensemble? Do any male performers lay on their backs with a stillettoed leg in the air as they punctuate the refrain on one of their biggest hits?

When we are looking at advertising we often say, “If your product was any good, you wouldn’t need sex to sell it.” I think the same can be said for performers. Beyonce wasn’t just a performer last night, she was a product — she has a reunion album with Destiny’s Child soon to release and she is going on tour. So if we’re going to be spending the night calling out sexism and objectification in the commercials, we have to apply that same lens to halftime.

There is no doubt Beyonce has talent and she brought her A-game last night. The performance was electric, and you could tell she was living and loving every moment. I enjoyed her performance, but definitely felt like I was in a strip club and I’m glad my 7yo daughter was in the bath tub and not watching. Her band and her backup dancers are also talented, but why does the show need to be packaged as a burlesque troupe? Was Beyonce and her all-female band owning it and, or were they performing for the male gaze? When does self-objectification come into the picture? And when it does, can we be strong enough to call it what it really is?

Well, this comment led to an explosion on my PPBB facebook page, with nearly 600 likes, 200 some comments, and 200 some shares. Two follow up posts equally received hundreds of likes, comments and shares. But they weren’t all in favor of what I said. Many were, most were. The ones not in favor of my opinion made points about the performance depicting strength, independence, owning female sexuality, etc. There were the usual comments suggesting prudishness, jealousy, being old and out of touch, and of course the requisite (and racist) Taliban/burqa trope.

I don’t think anyone doubts Beyonce is strong. The woman is fierce and you could literally see her muscles rippling. Her body is thick and athletic and in many ways defies the stick thin Photoshopped version of femininity we see everywhere else. In that way, I think it is great we see so much of Beyonce’s body. The woman has nothing to be ashamed of there.

What I was questioning was if the Super Bowl was the right place for that kind of performance, and is that kind of performance one for “female empowerment” as it was being heralded? If it had been during her world tour (named “The Mrs. Carter Show”), I wouldn’t be writing about it. That is her space and as an artist she should be free to do as she wants. During half time she was a guest of the NFL, and from Pop Warner on up football is an American family tradition. The Super Bowl is the culmination of that tradition, and it would have been great if Beyonce had considered that as she developed the 13 minute program.

This is what I expected of Beyonce, so my kids weren’t watching. I was not expecting the halftime show to be family friendly, it hasn’t been for years. I’m not uptight about what she was wearing, I’m disappointed by it. If I were at a burlesque show, I would have loved it. But I wasn’t. I was playing checkers with my four year old in my family room.

I’m a sex positive person who sees problems with the Pornland our culture has become, and I am a feminist concerned about the women and girls who buy into it. Or worse, defend it.

When we look at the forest through the trees, we need to think about all of the kids and teens whose parents aren’t talking to them about media literacy, sexualization, and objectification. A performance like Beyonce’s is widely celebrated in the media and becomes the benchmark for female success and “empowerment”. The reach of her performance will extend FAR beyond the 12-13 minutes she was on stage. That is what I want to be questioning, especially the next day when I get a half dozen emails from parents asking what to say to their young children who are now trying out Beyonce’s dance moves.

Now I’ve got some incredibly smart women and men in the PPBB Community, one of whom said this, “You know, at first I noticed the all female aspect and thought “how nice, girl power” which, I think, is what you are supposed to think but only on a surface level. How are they getting their power? By “grinding” on each other, by being as sexy as they can possibly be, by performing their sexuality. Bey knows what feminism is and she weaves bits of female power into her performances, videos, and songs but it’s all a backhanded nod to feminism or girl power. She still knows her place (unfortunately) and that’s what we saw last night. Beyonce is such a force of nature she could easily turn the whole industry on it’s head by refusing to be part of the “male gaze” but I don’t believe she will.” (Thank you, Natalie B!)

As the conversation went back and forth all day and into the night, I wondered if I had missed something when I first watched the performance. Maybe with my kids nearby I was distracted and I missed some context that would change how I viewed it. So I watched it again. Nope, the only thing I had missed the first time around was the “wardrobe malfunction” that exposed a nipple and some vulva.

This puts me back at my original question of if this was really necessary (not whether or not she has the right to do it) for this time and venue, especially by someone who touts herself as a role model for girls?

My problem is a question of *why* a woman as talented a singer, dancer and all-round performer as Beyonce might feel as though she has to sex things up to be successful. She even gives her performing self a different name. Although she portrays this as a way for overcoming stage fright, she has made it clear again and again, that “Sasha Fierce” is not her. There’s part of me that wonders whether or not she would feel the need to make the distinction if she were able to perform, dance and sing without the massive amount of sex appeal imbued in that character.

Actresses also play different roles, but they try to make the roles their own and attempt to inhabit their characters. They don’t feel need to make sure the audience knows that who they are playing is not them. Quite the opposite. Beyonce could easily be playing a role, as many singers probably do, without stressing the point. She does though, and furthermore, she says the character, the very sexy and sexual character, makes her feel powerful, fearless.

That is women being taught that their power lies in what is, essentially, objectification. A woman even as talented as Beyonce feels that she must be sexual in order to be powerful, valued and successful, yet does not like the character and feels, when in that persona, that she isn’t even aware of her body – that her body is literally not her own.

“I created my stage persona to protect myself, so that when I go home, I don’t have to think about what it is I do. Sasha isn’t me.” Beyonce, Parade Magazine, December 2006

“I wouldn’t like Sasha if I met her offstage.” Beyonce, Parade Magazine, December 2006

“I have someone else that takes over when it’s time for me to work and when I’m on stage, this alter ego that I’ve created that kind of protects me and who I really am.” Beyonce Press Statement, October 2008

-facebook comment from PPBB Community Member Jen Prowse

So my question to Beyonce would be what about the girls who look up to you, who you encourage to look up to you, who are not able to make such easy distinctions? Because they do answer for the sexualized climate you contribute to. They don’t have the money or celebrity to walk away or hide from it. You may not have to think about it, but they sure do.

But it is not just about children. It is about how this affects all of us, long after the halftime show is over. When the most pornified version of female sexuality becomes the benchmark for “female empowerment”, we’ve got problems. Big. Problems. Female sexuality should not belong to the male gaze. We need to take the responsibility to make sure it belongs to us.

I don’t mind sexy, in the right time and place. I mind “all sex all the time”, and having it defined by men. Beyonce’s performance was hot. It wasn’t appropriate for the Super Bowl. And it wasn’t empowering for me.