Remember This: 8 Things I want to tell my 8 Year Old Daughter

Cross-posted with permission from our friend and colleague Dr. Jennifer Shewmaker.

My youngest daughter turned 8 years old this week. This means that she has moved into the world of tweens. Tween marketing is commonly focused on kids between the ages of 8-12 years, and it has become a stage in life when a mini version of adulthood is being promoted as fun and appropriate.

But my girl is still so young. Having gone through this stage with my two older daughters, I want so much for her to hold on to and enjoy her childhood. There’s no reason to rush into being a teenager at the age of 8! And yet, that is a vision that I see in so many programs and products marketed to her.

As she turns eight, these are eight things that I want her to know:

  1. Your uniqueness is what makes you amazing: As you enter the tween years, you’re going to feel pressure to be like everyone else, to follow the crowd, to not stand out. But the things that make you different are what make you original, uniquely you. Love those things about yourself; from your freckles to your love for animals to the way you feel things so strongly.
  2. Enjoy being a kid: You will be a teenager soon enough, and then an adult. Don’t stifle your exuberance, your love to laugh and run and play because it makes you look like a kid. You are a kid! Chase butterflies, play pretend, wear clothes that don’t match, run as fast as you can and play in the mud!
  3. Believe in your dreams: As I got older, I realized that everyone didn’t believe that I could do things I thought I could. I know that you’re going to feel that too, and that it will hurt your heart. But the voices of those who don’t believe are no stronger than your own. If you believe deep in your heart that you should pursue something then let’s do it!
  4. If you don’t risk, you’ll never know: It’s easy to play it safe and avoid taking risks in life, both big and small. But if you don’t risk, you’ll never know what might have happened. Whether it’s learning a new sport, trying a new food, or making a new friend, go out there and live your life fully.
  5.   You are more than your looks: My precious daughter, you may notice that people suddenly want to tell you that you should be plucking, shaving, coloring, glossing, making-up and whatever else to make you look better. You may suddenly worry about the hair on your legs or the freckles on your nose or the cowlick in your hair. If you’re not careful, it’s so easy to begin to believe that what really matters about you is how you look. But you are so much more than that! You are brilliant, strong, passionate, curious, kind, and more! Know that these are the things that are most important about you, not the way you look.
  6. Know that I am here: For the past years, I have always been here for you whether it’s been to give a hug, wipe a tear, share a laugh, or have an adventure. As you get older, it may get harder to talk to me. You may have feelings that you don’t understand. You may struggle with friendships and romantic relationships. You may struggle with feelings about yourself. Please know that I am still here for you, whenever and however you need me. Whether you need to talk out a disagreement with a teacher or make a big decision, my arms, ears, and heart are always open to you.
  7.  You were born to shine: I believe with all my heart that you were born with a purpose, that you can make this world a better place using your unique gifts and talents. Never forget that you were born to shine the beauty of your unique individuality on this old world and make it brighter.
  8.   Love other people: Even when they don’t deserve it, even when they hurt you, even when they make you mad. Let love for others fill your heart so that it flows out of you to touch the lives of those around you. It’s easy to share hate, bitterness, and rudeness. It’s so much harder to turn to hate with love, to look at the person who is being mean to you and see someone who needs mercy. But the world would be a better place if we all learned to do that. You can’t make other people love, but you can choose to love.

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About Jennifer Shewmaker: I’m a professor of psychology at Abilene Christian University and have been working with families and children for the past 15 years. I’m deeply concerned about the way that sexualized media messages are impacting children and adolescents. It’s my goal to provide families and children with resources to become voices of transformation in the world around them. 

Just Wait Here

Fearless.

We had about an inch of fresh snow this morning, which was exciting considering our non-winter has been full of days with non-snow.

The kids marched across the field that leads into the school yard, Amelia calling out to her girlfriend wearing the cupcake hat bouncing a few paces in front of us. Benny was smashing his boots into the snow, delighted at the footprints he was leaving.

We came to the big oak tree we pass under to round the corner onto the back side of the playground that leads up to the door where the kindergartners line up. Every day of this school year Benny and I have walked Amelia to her line, kissed her nose, and told her to have a great day with her friends at school. Most mornings I stand and chat with the other moms, many of us holding mugs of warm coffee as we try to prepare for another day of mommyhood. But most mornings I’m just watching to make sure my baby gets into school safely, and quietly smile as her head of dark, messy hair turns the corner to go down the kindergarten hallway and have the privilege of another day of learning.  

But not this morning.

“Mom! You don’t have to go any further. Just wait here.” -Amelia

“You don’t want us to walk with you to the doors?” -Me.

“No, just give me a hug quick. I can go by myself.” -Amelia

And I wanted to burst into tears. Wasn’t it just yesterday she was still in my belly, my office mate and I laughing over the hiccups she seemed to get every morning at 10am? Wasn’t it just yesterday she wrapped her tiny arms around my neck, and balanced herself in a standing position for the first time as I got her dressed? Wasn’t it just yesterday she had taken her first steps, wildly clapping for herself? How had she gotten so big, so quickly?

“Are you sure? Benny and I can walk…..” -Me

“Yep. Gimme a hug. I’m outta here.” -Amelia, turning to go before I even hugged her.

“Wait!! Wait, I need to give you a hug. And a big kiss. A big kiss for my Smoochy Moochy.” -Me, smothering her face in kisses as I tried to fight back tears. I guess this day was here.

“Okay, see ya. No monkey business from you two. Listen for the bell and then line up. I’ll see you after school.” -Me

It was surreal to see my big girl, my kindergartner, walking across the wide schoolyard on her own in her bright raspberry coat with her girlfriend, their faces turned to each other, having the kind of conversation that girls do in their own spaces. Amelia never looked back over her shoulder. She was confident in where she was going, and how to get there.

 Then the corner of my mouth turned up in a wicked little smile, as I realized the girl that Amelia was walking with was the notorious Runner, the first girl in their class to get her card flipped to a Red Warning because during the first week of school during milk break the girl had decided to run to her home not far from school to play pirates.

I have no idea what the conversation was about between Amelia and her little friend on that first morning she finished walking to school by herself. I just hope it was some sort of grand adventure being plotted by two minds who seem to be fearless about the world they are growing up in.